Realization is a B.I.T.C.H.
I realize now that I have changed a lot. I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm not proud of many things I have done or said and I am definitely not proud and do regret associating with certain people who mostly envy me or don't really care about my well being. I used to be really good. I mean I use to help people whenever they need me, soccer use to be my life, I was really friendly, and I have always loved doing exiting/adventurous things. I never really thought of what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was in high school I mean I have always loved whales and the beach and due to that Marine Biology has been of great interest to me but due to my negativism and the little faith I have in my knowledge of math and chemistry I never really tried. I ended up studying Art and Philosophy due to the fact that I enjoy reading but it was never my first choice. I've never really had good study habits but in college I acquired a bit of discipline and a bit of routine concerning my studies. My last two years have been horrible and there is really no one to blame but my self. I let myself get persuaded by others to do things that are not right and by trying to be nice, understanding, and friendly people have swept the floor with me, trampled all over me, and many (including family) have been backstabbing assholes/bitches. I have had many good friends and maybe two hands full of good caring family members (I am sure there are less) to whom I am really grateful but the disappointments this life has thrown my way are countless and unbearable. And now I really don't know what I want to do with my life and I have no motivation to continue to an M.A.
To those that tell me that I disappear a lot and to stay in touch because you care, I Love you and don't ever doubt that. And know that if you ever need me I'm here. To explain a bit my disappearing I would like to let you know that it is not because I don't wanna know about you all and it is not because I don't like spending time with you, it's just that I have needed this time for myself in order to value and respect myself more than I have done in the past years and these past two years have been horrible because I have done a lot of self- loathing especially for all my mistakes and all my attempts to neglect reality and be in a cloud most of the time. I love the intellectual part of me that has grown in me and will keep on growing but I truly miss my old self. I changed and did many stupid things for all the wrong reasons and now I guess I'm paying for those mistakes which at the same time have made me stronger but an emotional wreak. I feel like I can only be happy and in control if I am completely apart from people. Its not that I like being a loner cause I don't but, Im afraid of not being able to make my friends feel comfortable around me due to my emotions which vary due to their extremes; for I'm either too happy, too sad, too excited, too mad, etc.
I really have no purpose in writing this only that I need to vent and those who read this will understand a bit of what's been going on in my weird brain.
