2:19 a.m. y Stella

Estaba en la playa y la miraba. La unión era infinita. El negro rebosaba en las pupilas de los sueños que nunca tuvieron cabida para nacer. Lo que pasa con Stella es que está muerta. Miro el mar y pienso en ella. Su suicidio elegante, su cuerpo blanco y salvaje sumergido en el oleaje. Ellas vienen y van con violencia pero ella se queda. Esta noche de luna llena, solo me siento a pensar en las historias que siempre me quiso contar y que ahora yo misma tendré que inventar. Ella y el mar. Camina entre todos los naufragos que admiran su belleza, pero ella está muerta. Cuestión de mirar y no tocar. Cuestión de fumar un cigarrillo negro y olvidar sabiendo que no se podrá. Cuestión de noches sin dormir en otra cama sabiendo que no volverán.

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Extracto: 'De la brevedad de la vida' (Seneca)

El tiempo que tenemos no es corto; pero perdiendo mucho de él, hacemos que lo sea, y la vida es suficientemente larga para ejecutar en ella cosas grandes, si la empleáremos bien. Pero al que se le pasa en ocio y en deleites, y no la ocupa en loables ejercicios, cuando le llega el último trance, conocemos que se le fue sin que él haya entendido que caminaba. Lo cierto es que la vida que se nos dio no es breve, nosotros hacemos que lo sea; y que no somos pobres, sino pródigos del tiempo; sucediendo lo que a las grandes y reales riquezas, que si llegan a manos de dueños poco cuerdos se disipan en un instante; y al contrario las cortas y limitadas, entrando en poder de próvidos administradores, crecen con el uso. Así nuestra edad tiene mucha latitud para los que usaren bien de ella.

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Solo soy yo...

Le di un espacio a mi suspiro, solté la rienda de mi silencio, ahogando mis palabras, callé, aun cuando ni siquiera hablaba, fingí mis temores, los torné perseguidores, y aun cuando no soñaba, solo pensaba en soluciones, censuré mi espíritu, y desbordé mi cuerpo en pasiones, pedí perdón, y solo encontraba rencores, nunca supe el motivo, pero llore y no solo por amores, tarde en descubrirlo, fui tan eficaz, en presenciar mi único acto, donde yo era la comediante, y me reía de mi pasado, claramente escape de mis realidades, ahora rio sin hacer daño a nadie. ¿Pensé? No pensare quw queda en mi conciencia, caer, levantar, subir de nivel o volver a comenzar, una y otra vez...

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Realization is a B.I.T.C.H.

I realize now that I have changed a lot. I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm not proud of many things I have done or said and I am definitely not proud and do regret associating with certain people who mostly envy me or don't really care about my well being. I used to be really good. I mean I use to help people whenever they need me, soccer use to be my life, I was really friendly, and I have always loved doing exiting/adventurous things. I never really thought of what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was in high school I mean I have always loved whales and the beach and due to that Marine Biology has been of great interest to me but due to my negativism and the little faith I have in my knowledge of math and chemistry I never really tried. I ended up studying Art and Philosophy due to the fact that I enjoy reading but it was never my first choice. I've never really had good study habits but in college I acquired a bit of discipline and a bit of routine concerning my studies. My last two years have been horrible and there is really no one to blame but my self. I let myself get persuaded by others to do things that are not right and by trying to be nice, understanding, and friendly people have swept the floor with me, trampled all over me, and many (including family) have been backstabbing assholes/bitches. I have had many good friends and maybe two hands full of good caring family members (I am sure there are less) to whom I am really grateful but the disappointments this life has thrown my way are countless and unbearable. And now I really don't know what I want to do with my life and I have no motivation to continue to an M.A.

To those that tell me that I disappear a lot and to stay in touch because you care, I Love you and don't ever doubt that. And know that if you ever need me I'm here. To explain a bit my disappearing I would like to let you know that it is not because I don't wanna know about you all and it is not because I don't like spending time with you, it's just that I have needed this time for myself in order to value and respect myself more than I have done in the past years and these past two years have been horrible because I have done a lot of self- loathing especially for all my mistakes and all my attempts to neglect reality and be in a cloud most of the time. I love the intellectual part of me that has grown in me and will keep on growing but I truly miss my old self. I changed and did many stupid things for all the wrong reasons and now I guess I'm paying for those mistakes which at the same time have made me stronger but an emotional wreak. I feel like I can only be happy and in control if I am completely apart from people. Its not that I like being a loner cause I don't but, Im afraid of not being able to make my friends feel comfortable around me due to my emotions which vary due to their extremes; for I'm either too happy, too sad, too excited, too mad, etc.

I really have no purpose in writing this only that I need to vent and those who read this will understand a bit of what's been going on in my weird brain.

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quisiera...

Quisiera salir de mi espacio y encontrar un aposento que no sea mas que mi propio yo. Oír sin escuchar para no pensar y volver a renegar. Destruir lo que no es y volver a comenzar, partiendo de un todo que se vuelve nada cuando se sumerge en su propia inexistencia.

Un todo vacío, para sentirlo completo; porque repleto es un abismo que no cabe dentro de sí y se pierde consigo mismo cuando intenta ser lo que no es. No pensar, porque si pienso me revelo, me detengo y comprendo que nada es lo que parece y que la fantasía se apodera de mi entorno de manera clandestina y en segundos vuelve a ser, lo que no es.

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Tal vez mañana tenga ganas

ya me quiero ir
pero estoy en la sala de espera
el cigarrillo no esta encendido
porque todavia no llega diciembre
mis ojos se cayeron
y no los encuentro
estoy ciega pero mis manos estan obsoletas
no escribo para consolar
todos somos malos por igual
pero aqui hay un cafe
y un recuerdo
hay una rosa
que no tiene deseo...

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Open Fire

I saw you today
Throwing love letters into an open fire
Letting our memories burn and twist
In the somber setting
Of a silent flame

I know that you are hurting love
I know that what I've done is wrong
And that tears can't extinguish
This king of roaring flame
But don't let it be over
Don't let our love disappear
Too much blood and ink
Has been spilled
To just turn it all to smoke
Rising out of an open fire
If I meant anything to you
And if our love has to be a memory
Please bury it under lock and key
And don't let it spread in the winds
That cut through this autumn air

I know that you owe me nothing
Especially not my dignity or my respect
But I'd like to be remembered my love
Even if only in spite
I want my words to have more meaning
Than just a column of wind-whipped smoke
And I want our memories to last longer
Than a small box of hand-written letters
Threw into the heart
Of a roaring open fire

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Transylvanian Guy

I've never seen you around before

I ask your name but you just go

You disappear into the night

Like the creatures that cant see light

Your dark eyes kind of hypnotize

That's what I like about you Transylvanian Guy

I want to see your true nature

I want to see what you are really made of

I like your dark clothes and your fancy talk

I like your sexy-funny accent when you speak off

Transylvanian Guy you really made me fall

Deep in your strange dark love

Tall, handsome and a little pale

That's the way you are if you don't change

Your gypsy tricks amaze me

And your look makes me crazy

You're the kind of guy who doesn't use bleach

Cause your dark clothes needs a special treat

Can you be the guy of my dreams?

The one that I want to marry me

I like your dark clothes and your fancy talk

I like your sexy-funny accent when you speak off

Transylvanian Guy you really made me fall

Deep in your strange dark love

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